Tuesday, May 19, 2009

2 Cool 2 Be 4Gotten

So here we are, at the end of yet another season, feeling all wistful and sad, turning our chairs over on our desks and writing in each others' autograph books. Didn't this season just fly by? Will we see each other over the summer? Will we be in the same class next year?

I had a stunning realization last night, one that I wish I had learned much, much earlier in the season: American Idol is ten times more enjoyable when there's a glass of Malbec involved. It made hearing Randy say both "You can sing your face off!" and "You can sing the phone book!" in a single episode that much more tolerable.

It did not, however, make that godawful "coronation" song No Boundaries go down any easier, unfortunately. For the eighth time, I cringed from the first note to the last. Hearing Kara had co-written this one, I was momentarily optimistic. I like her. She seems cool. I thought she might bring something new to the table. They're always blathering about how they want contestants to be contemporary. Perhaps this would be a step in that direction. You know, like actually give them a contemporary song as their first single.

And then I heard the lines, "With every step, I climb another mountain." And I knew it was all over.

Please. For the love of all that is good and holy, make it stop. Whitney Houston had a great version of this song in 1986. It was called The Greatest Love of All and we all heard it at our high school graduations. I can still sing every word. And that was more than 20 years ago. Are we really still doing this, with the dreaming, and the flying, and the climbing mountains and the believing in yourself? Really? It's the same damn crap every time.

And so, without further ado, I present my recipe for an American Idol Coronation song.

1 liberal cup dreaming
1/2 c climbing mountains
1/3 c believing (preferably in yourself)
1/4 c flying
1/4 c breathing

Mix generously with moments, lifetimes and wings. Garnish with schlock, cheese and gagging. Go straight to Billboard Hot 100.

So now you're going to ask me who's going to win tonight, and I'm supposed to get it right. This is a toughie, peeps. A real toughie. Last year I was sooooooooo sure it was David Archuleta. Totally sure. And I was soooooooo wrong.

This year, I feel like common sense says it has to be Adam, the clear front runner. He towered over Kris, if the judges are to believed. He's the best contestant EVER, they tell us. He's the obvious heir to the throne. It's totally Adam, right? But if I predict that, and it's true, that's so....boring.

Could squeaky little under-the-radar Kris play David and slay Adam Lambert's Goliath? Remember that I wondered last week if we've been set up for this "dark horse" story all along. He really wasn't that great last night, at all. If you had watched the show for the very first time last night, like my brother Matt did, you'd never peg him as a star. (Matt predicted "Where are they now" status for both contestants in five years, fwiw.)

Which is why I'm going to say that...Kris Allen is the next American Idol. Ack! Did I really just write that? I'll be so happy if it's true. I'm just still not sure I believe it.

And if he isn't, well, I'm going to take my cue from MTV and look on the bright side. "If Allen loses because of “No Boundaries,” it will be a shame," they wrote. "But even if he loses, he wins, because that means he won’t have to release it as his debut single." Neener, Neener, Adam.


  1. You forgot about the "Hurricanes" in the Kara song. Oof. That was painful.

    I'm a Lambert fan and have been from the beginning, but I could see it going either way tonight.


  2. I was SO EXCITED when they said Kris Allen had won. I told my husband that I wouldn't be surprised if the Danny Gokey fan votes fell to Kris and it was a total upset....I think I was right! But, to see Simon Cowell with the frown and pissed off look on his face because his "Global Star" didn't win was a bit.....um....babyish!

    Not a fan of the "No Boundaries" song either but that's okay....he'll put out an album that will be worthy of purchasing that we all know. We can just skip over that song!

    Great season, great singers, great ending! Now what are we going to watch on TV?