American Idol: The Drinking Game

So I'm a little obsessed with American Idol.

I used to sweat my picks in my weekly Idol pool as if the well-being of the entire western hemisphere rested on whether Mandisa or Kellie Pickler was going home. (Knock it all you want, but I did come in second one year.) When the pool ended, I needed an outlet, so I began to grace this space with my trenchant blog posts about Season Eight. Did anyone read them? Not really. But I had fun.

In one of my, um, less stellar moments as a mother, I allowed my then-three-year-old son to watch a little too much of Season Seven. And then I shamelessly exploited him shared his adorableness on You Tube.


But lest you think that eight seasons of attentive Idol watching (I missed the first one; I think I was too busy planning my wedding? Or was that the first season of The Bachelor?) have all been for naught, I give you this, people. Something tangible. Proof that I've been paying attention. You can thank me later.

The Totally Un-Official Clever Title TK American Idol Drinking Game

Drink Once Every Time...

• Randy uses the phrase, "You can really sing!" (Drink twice for "Dude, you can really sing!")
• Randy says someone has a "[insertartistnamehere] vibe jumping off."
• Randy says a song or an artist is one of his all-time favorites. (I mean, for real. The man says this about everything.)
• Randy seems uncomfortable having to go first, and gives a review that could sort of go either way, as if he's waiting to see what every one else thought before staking a claim.
  
• Randy calls a performance "dope" or "hot."
• Randy says, "You know I'm a fan, right?"
• Randy calls anyone "dawg."
• Randy says, "I don't know. It was just aw-ight for me."

Drink Once Every Time...

• Kara references another contemporary artist that the contestant should have covered, but mostly just shows how much Kara knows about other contemporary artists. ("You could have done Adele, or Duffy, or Lily Allen...")
  
• Kara uses the phrase "changing it up."
• Kara references the singer's tone.
• Kara calls someone "sweetie" when she's being critical.
• Kara uses the word "artistry."
  

Drink Once Every Time...

• Simon calls a performance "cabaret."
• Simon calls a performance "indulgent."
• Simon uses the phrase "complete and utter" (Drink twice for "complete and utter mess.")
• Simon says, "If I'm being honest with you..." (So is he just bullshitting us the rest of the time?)
• Simon calls a performance "forgettable."
• Simon likens the performance to something he could have seen in a hotel bar.
• Simon predicts the contestant won't be coming back next week. (Drink twice if he somehow cleverly links this prediction to the lyrics of the song. Drink three times if Simon predicts the contestant is the winner.)
• Simon accuses the singer of shouting or shrieking.
  

Drink Once Every Time...

• Paula says something completely incomprehensible. Oh wait. Paula's not on the show anymore.
• Ellen wears a tie.
• Ellen comments on the contestant's "look."

(We're thin on Ellen, obviously, because she's yet to show us her go-to phrases. So, just drink every time you see Ellen, 'k?)

Drink Once Every Time

• Any of the judges congratulates a contestant for knowing exactly who they are.
• Any of the judges scolds a contestant for "not knowing what kind of artist they want to be."
• Any of the judges says a song was too big for someone.
• Any of the judges lauds a contestant for making a song "their own"
• Any of the judges criticizes a contestant for not making a song "their own."
  
• Any of the judges belittles a performance as "karaoke."
  

You should now be totally drunk. Which is probably the best way to watch Idol anyway.

What about you? Got anything to add? Let's hear it!