Let the record reflect that last year I was a really good American Idol blogger.
I didn't miss a week, and, if I do say so myself, my predictions were impressively accurate. You say you had no idea Kris "Davey" Allen would upset the unstoppable Adam "Goliath" Lambert in the finale? Well, you should have been reading my blog!
This year? Not so much. The beginning of Season 9 correlated almost exactly with my going back to work. While of course I've been watching, I've barely had time to blog and have instead been sharing most of my Idol wisdom on Twitter.
Which means that I haven't yet had an opportunity to address the blight on our nation that is Tim Urban.
Oh, Tim, Tim, Tim.
I'm well aware that USA Today's Brian Mansfield actually sketched out a scenario where you would win. And I know my good friend Amy, my Idol Yoda, has got your back.
But I do not.
Especially after last night, when my five year old son watched your performance and declared with a sigh that your songs make him feel -- and I quote -- "dreamy."
Now Tim. I don't know what sort of weird, Zac Efronish alien spell you have cast over our fair land, turning us all into moony-eyed Hanson fans, but I need you to stop. You are not good enough to win American Idol. Your singing is good enough to get you...laid in college. (And frequently! I promise.) But you are so out of your depth it's not even funny -- or maybe it is? -- watching you compete each week against Crystal Bowersox and Lee DeWyze (who I mistakenly called an "almost and nearly" in an earlier post, but who is clearly gunning for the finale) and Michael Lynche. (Yes, I like Michael Lynche. Deal with it. Although I've fallen off the Siobhan bandwagon totally.) You are just Sanjaya, minus the faux hawk. You are just John Stevens, minus the Sinatra fetish. And just as was the case with them, the forces of good will triumph and soon send you home. This I know in my heart.
So let me reiterate: You will not win. You should not win. You cannot win. So please, stop the insanity. And give my son his dignity back.