Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Hello? Is This Thing On?

So, um, yes. It's been a little ... quiet in these parts.

I thought it was time to make an appearance and say hello to anyone -- that means both of you! -- who may read this space but who aren't on Facebook or Twitter, where I'm alive and well and sharing brilliant nuggets of wisdom on a regular basis. I also give out toasters and tote bags. Join the fun, won't you?

I wanted to use this opportunity to say something rather shocking. I hope you're prepared.

I do not care about this season of American Idol.



I don't know what's wrong with me. Is it them? Is it me? Is this something I need to discuss with a professional? Or is it that I discovered that I enjoyed the brilliant recaps of P.F. Tompkins more than the show itself?

I don't know. I just...can't watch.

I can't watch that Scotty McCreery. He skeers me, with his man-child freakiness and his eerie resemblance to Alfred E. Neuman and that sideways tilt thing he does with head and the microphone.

I can't watch Jacob Lusk, who shrieks at me, and always seems dangerously close to having a religious epiphany or an aneurysm during every performance.

I can't watch Haley Reinhart, in those dresses they put her in that always seem to make her look like an office temp in 1987.

Not a fan of James, even with his precious back story and his tail thingies. And Lauren? The one I think is probably the most commercially viable and strongest voice? I find myself captivated not by her performances but by the fabulousness of her eyebrows and by the insane amounts of mascara she wears.

I get about everything I need from the recap in the last two minutes, when they show a 20 second highlight of each performance and flash the 866 numbers on the screen. I sometimes fast forward and hear a snippet of the judges, but Good Lord, are the judges boring this season or what? As Time's James Poniewozik said on Twitter, the judging is "like a dial that goes from 'great' to 'awesome.'" (I would add the all-important stop at "I love you, man!" from Steven Tyler.)

Hey! Speaking of which, did you know that I'm the newest "Top Cop" for the Us Weekly Fashion Police? Well, I am. And fittingly, one of my first jokes -- in this week's issue, with the royal wedding on the cover -- is about J. Lo and Steven Tyler. Proving that maybe I have been paying attention. Just a little.


  1. I've skipped American Idol for the first time this season because I didn't care for the judges. No Simon, no show, and Kara grates on me besides. Thank you for showing me I'm not missing much with this batch of contestants, either.

  2. I think it's funny that you don't watch or care about American Idol, and, yet, you know all the "characters." My "don't watch or care" goes much, much deeper ;-)

  3. can't wait to get my magazine tomorrow. you may be my biggest claim to fame yet... or at least the only one my husband has heard of.

  4. So, six months or so between posts. You like blogging you're just not a fanatic about it.

  5. Every corporate business Jimmy Choo Shoes rooms. The office chairs play Gucci Belts Sale a pivotal your Jimmy Choo Designer office environment desks Gucci Quotes and other mental Karen Millen Black stress. people, Snapback Hat World like office Jimmy Choo Heels staff There Gucci Quotes unlimited of the Snap Back Hat Store chairs, tables, desks, KarenMillens etc. on according to Jimmy Choo Red Shoes your requirements.